Kukla, Fran & Osama

'I Can't Hear You, You're Breaking Up.'

Abigail, but not Martin, Van Buren

Enron and Cream of Mushroom Soup

Definitely Not the Bob Levey Diet

Fran Drescher and the

Norwegian

Parliament

It Got Lost In the Translation

Those Paper Toilet Seat Covers

Germany. Only Germany

Rapid I Movement

A Mackerel Lollipop

Velcromagnon Man

This Week's Contest You are on Jeopardy! These are the answers. What are the questions? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a set of four ebony candlesticks in the shape of a human foot, donated to the Style Invitational by Robin Diallo of Malawi.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, May 27. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg.

Report from Week CXVII,

in which we asked you to start a Washington-based blues song.

{diam}Third Runner-Up:

Whoaa, the cap'n just announced our final approach

Whoaa, don' matter if you're first class, business or coach,

My bladder it is bustin' from Co-colas, wine and booze,

I got them flyin' into Reagan strapped into my seat on the final 30 minutes not gettin' up for nothin' nohow blues . . .

(J.F. Knowles, Springfield)

{diam}Second Runner-Up:

You know I just got the Washington D.C. acronym blues, un-hunh

You know I just got the Washington D.C. acronym blues, uh-hunhh,

YKIJGTWDCABUH . . .

(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

{diam}First Runner-Up:

When my baby done left me, she done took the Jeep

Now my only woman says "Doors closing (beep)" . . .

(Mark Young, Washington)

{diam}And the winner of the Japanese-language story of Dodgers pitcher Hideo Nomo:

Well, that man who is my neighbor, I thought he was my fren.

Yeah, that man who is my neighbor, I done thought he was my fren.

Then he put up that basketball hoop in his driveway flatly contrary to the terms and covenants of the Homeowner Association protocols,

And now that ol' litigation never end . . .

(Bob Dalton, Arlington)

{diam}Honorable Mentions

Sittin' with the Statehood Party

Waitin' for the Congress to act.

I'm jes sittin' with the Statehood Party

Waitin' for Congress to act.

City's got a better chance o' gettin' the Texas Rangers back.

(Howard Walderman, Columbia)

Well, he's crossin' the median, no median gonna impede 'im

Well, he's crossin' that ol' med'n, and he's doing it speedin'

He's stopping with impunity cause he got immunity,

I got the drivin' behind a diplomat who don't give a damn blues.

(Howard Walderman, Columbia)

Oh, I'm a hard-workin' man,

And sometimes that's a hard thing to be.

Ohhh, I'm a hard-workin' man,

And sometimes that's a hard thing to be.

Well, a senior partner just asked me to analyze the impact of Sec. 3407 (b) of the Tauzin-Dingell Bill (as amended),

And I'm wonderin' why I ever got my law degree.

(Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Sat-dee night in Georgetown, they got some real hot lovers.

Wellll, Sat-dee night in Georgetown, they got some real hot lovers.

Gotta wear me a hard hat down there, cause they also got some real hot flyin' manhole covers.

(Bill Moulden, Frederick)

Oooh, the streets they're all a-closin'

So you can exercise free speech.

Oooh, the streets they're all a-closin'

So you can exercise free speech.

You complain about this nation and the scourge of globalization, but how 'bout my right of transportation,

'Cause I got the get outta my way I gotta get to work now blues.

(Cynthia L. Gilman, Alexandria)

I asked for some water, but she gave me gasoline,

I jus' want a little water, but that mama poured out gasoline,

Don' seem we'll ever get no alternative fuel vehicle while EPA run by that mean ol' Miss Christine.

(Peyton Coyner, Afton, Va.)

I drive with two hands, but you got to have a third,

Me, I drive with two hands, but you yourself got to have a third,

How else you drive, use the phone, cut me off, do your makeup, eat breakfast and flip me the bird?

(John Bauer, Gaithersburg)

Because of recent cutbacks, well the bossman took my DSL away,

Lawd, without my high-speed Internet I just can't make it through the day.

So now I'm sloggin through my work at 56K.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Well, the Post it leans to the left,

And the Times it leans to the right,

When I want unbiased news there ain't no paper in sight.

I got the blues, the whose news views to choose blues.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

I been working for the gummint

All my live-long life.

Oh yeah workin' for the gummint

My whole live-long life

And let me tell you mister

She makes a mighty ugly wife.

(Judith Cottrill, New York)

Never gonna see no Air and Space Museum,

Lawd, I'm never gonna see me no Air and Space Museum

So many outta-towners, baby,

I never get to carpe diem . . .

(Judith Cottrill, New York)

I'm gettin' off the highway, 'cuz 95 is hell,

I'm getting off the highway, 'cuz 95 is hell,

I'm headin' toward ol' Route 1, but so is everyone el'.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

My pappy done tol' me

Be sure you take enough naps,

If you do, my pappy done tol' me,

You not gonna hurl in no foreign head of state's laps . . .

(G.W. Bush, Washington; Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

My conscience is achin', baby

'Cause I'm a man that's born to lobby.

My conscience is achin' real bad, baby

'Cause I'm a man that's born to lobby

Don't matter right or wrong, I could change the Code of Hammurabi.

(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)